The congregation I pastor has experienced several deaths lately. Not of congregation members, but rather of love ones close to congregation members. Each one, whether expected or not, brings grief and confusion. Each one brings questions and the need for care, love and support. But there is more.
As a pastor, familiar with death, these moments bring me...
...anger.
Just this past weekend I prayed with our people for a young boy's mom to get well.
Twenty four hours later she was dead. Yes, it leaves me angry.
Yes, there is shepherding, care, listening and companionship. Those are the pastoral tools and skills that people need at this time. But, beyond the work of the pastor there is this deep anger...anger that death is even in the equation.
I think Jesus understands my anger. He felt it too.
In John 11:33 and 11:38 Jesus is recorded as feeling a specific emotion around death. The NIV translates it as "deeply moved". The Message paraphrase describes a deep anger welling up within Jesus. The word in Greek is commonly translated as "indignant", and the root word means "to snort with anger". It means to be moved from deep within, to be moved in your guts so to speak. Translators struggle to give Jesus this emotion and so change it to "deeply moved" or "compassionate". I think he is angry.
He is angry at the presence of death and the sorrow and grief it brings with it. I feel this too. I wish God had answered our prayer for that young boy's mom differently. I wish the other loved ones had not passed away. I wish death wasn't needed to transition to what is next for us. Jesus was angry at the pain and loss death left behind, especially because he knows of a better existence without pain and loss.
It is tough to manage this anger because there is no direction to send it. You can't be angry at the dead person or those left behind. You can't be angry at death (it's too abstract a concept to be angry at for me). You can't be angry at God, because it's not his desire or plan for us. But you know what, I find God is willing to be the recipient of our anger because he gets it. He knows, he feels it and he's willing to bear that burden with us. So, yes be angry at God.
People can often misunderstand this anger as lack of faith or doubt. It is none of those things. It is simply frustration at our current context of living and a deep desire for what is next.
For those suffering the grief of recent lost ones, I pray for you regularly. I grief with you. And God bears my anger and in his time, brings consolation and understanding.
I leave you with the ancient word of hope, Maranatha!
Because death sucks, and losing loved ones sucks and feeling that distance and gap sucks, but maranatha so we can experience reunion and eternity together. Maranatha.
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