In recent days a few people I know have declared they are no longer Christian. For various reasons they have decided that calling Jesus Lord is not for them. Each person would easily have been described by others as a mature believer. So their departure is surprising to me and has made me reflect on my own work as a pastor of Spiritual Growth.
My friendships with each of these people is not in question. My commitment to them as friends and my love for them as people does not change, no matter their decision about Jesus.
As a pastor though, I consider my work and wonder how I might have failed them. I wonder what we might be doing in our groups at church, or in my work of growing people spiritually that is leaving them disillusioned at this stage of life. I don't for one moment think of myself or the work I do with a savior complex. But I do think of what might be missing in how I communicate the growth of a Christian.
For too many people, growth seems to be communicated as a series of providential successes. Sin is overcome, God's blessings pour out, there is an abundance of joy and blessing and revelation. Unfortunately, this is often tied to the physical and emotional realm and health of a person. Bank accounts grow as they give generously, they live in emotional peace and health. Churches, inadvertently or intentionally, even make these promises about being in relationship with Jesus.
BUT...
These people show me another side of Christianity...the side the mystics and ancient followers know all too well, but is seldom preached and communicated. It is the side of Christianity where we seek God and struggle to find him; where we ask him for answers, and struggle to hear them; where, if we were more honest, we would discover that God feels so silent we doubt if he even exists.
This stage is where some walk away from the faith, others live in the struggle, some break through to whatever is next.
I believe that this stage of the faith is what Robert Guelich and Janet Hagberg call "The Wall" in their book The Critical Journey. They describe it as the stage of faith where you encounter a difficulty that blocks your future progression. It is a wall stopping you moving forward. The wall represents "...our will meeting God's will face to face." (The Critical Journey, pg 114). What worked for us previously (serving, giving, going to church, being in a small group, reading the Bible) all seems to not work anymore. We discover that our previous attempts feel hollow because they were at the root of it OUR attempts to find God. The wall represents an obstacle to the next stages of spiritual growth, where we no longer make it about OUR effort and instead WAIT on God to reveal himself to us in HIS way and HIS time. It embodies a new type of surrender to whatever God wants of us, including suffering, hardship, struggle, pain and death. There is the psychological death of self, and then physical death.
It is this second journey that I see in the writers of the New Testament. Peter came to this wall in his life, and after working through it, his life was a succession of persecution, hardship and pain ending in martyrdom. Paul went through the same struggle, part of it captured in his famous "thorn of the flesh" writing in 2 Corinthians 12, finally ending in martyrdom too. These writers, who speak of joy and contentment and love so eloquently, lived lives of pain, hardship, suffering and death.
I shouldn't be surprised at my friends struggles. It's the next stage of growth in a relationship with Christ. But I am surprised and sad. Yet, if they could face that wall they would find God on the other side. But not the God of their younger days. Not this small God so many people speak about these days...a God who gives blessings, success and benefits because we jump through the right hoops. I call that God small because we make him sound easily manipulated. We make him sound like a God who, if I jump through hoops of church attendance, bible reading, praying then he will give me what I want or need.
God is bigger than that, and like a child who discovers their parents aren't the idealized version they thought, so as we grow we discover that God is bigger than we thought and OUR view of God has flaws and errors. God doesn't want us to jump through hoops to get to him, but he doesn't want us to make him jump through hoops either.
It's a wrestle with doubt, and like Jacob who wrestled with God, we don't leave the same...sometimes we get a limp.
