Let's talk about sex or CNN, Porn and the Church

Porn is teaching our children what sex is, and it's one of the worst teachers, because it's about fantasy entertainment and money, not education.

I recently watched This is Life with Lisa Ling on CNN in her Porn Ed edition. It was an interesting study on the impact of porn on our society and the widening response beyond faith communities to deal with the epidemic of pornography. From growing therapies and support groups helping sex addicts recover from their addiction, to education efforts (they highlighted the city of Boston for groundbreaking education groups discussing porn) to adult websites showing real consensual sex as a means to offer an alternative to the fantasy of porn.

As I watched the episode I was struck by this question: if porn is one of the worst teachers about sex, where do our children (or ill-informed adults for that matter) go for sex education, and can the Church say something other than "sex is taboo"!

Well, here are my thoughts about where they can go:

Children, talk with your parents and parents talk with your children. That's not groundbreaking. That's how it's always been done. But here's the problem. The introduction of internet accessible devices for children now shows that the average age for a child to be introduced to porn is 11. If parents are NOT talking about sex (often and regularly) with their kids before this, porn becomes the teacher. And those dating today will freely share how porn is setting the standard for activity, duration, expectations and language for sexual activity between people. And please note, this isn't about THE TALK. It's about many conversations, over time, with openness, awkwardness and vulnerability. Let's do it parents!

There is no second to this, but if your parents are unwilling or unable, I recommend you find a safe, mature adult who you can talk to about this (aunts, uncles, youth leaders, pastors, doctors, therapist or others you deem safe and mature).

What about content?

I have not researched this extensively, but here are my top 6 topics for sex conversation:

1. Healthy body image based on the belief that each human being is created with worth, love and purpose.
2. Purpose of sex: for enjoyment, procreation, intimacy and relational health. Sex is beautiful, wonderful and made to be enjoyed...so enjoy it.
3. Affirmative consent is a pre-requisite for all sexual activity, even within marriage. Marriage does not do away with consent. Affirmative consent is the position that when, and only when, a person says yes is sex ok. Silence is not affirmative consent. Maybe is not consent. and no is definitely not consent. Men, suck it up in this regard and stop believing the lies we were told!
4. Healthy sex: what it is, what it looks like, feels like and can be. Discuss how healthy sex develops intimacy and self image. Cue the awkwardness for the parent and child, but the more you talk about it, the easier it becomes.
5. Unhealthy sex, what it is, what it looks like, feels like and can be. Discuss how unhealthy sex damages intimacy and self image. Cue more awkwardness.
6. Healing from sexual damage: share how to recover from the damage sex can cause: this is a larger topic where you can discuss medical, therapeutical, spiritual, social and emotional recovery. For example, STD's, safe sex, birth control, break-ups, forgiveness, loneliness, abuse and assault are all potential topics here.

Your own cultural norms and religious beliefs will guide you in these topics, but have a healthy dose of critical analysis of what you believe and think is normal. Unfortunately, what we believe is normal or right is not as normal or right as we think.

From a pastor perspective, and since Monday's are about faith, what might a pastor contribute to this discussion: start talking about the value, beauty and wonder of sex and less about how bad sex is. Start talking about affirmative consent and healthy sexual practices. And more than ever, practice forgiveness and acceptance for people who have sinned sexually, there are more than you think and they already feel judged.

What do you think? What would you add to the topics? What would you change?

P.S. A personal vent: male pastors, please stop introducing your wives as "my beautiful wife". When you begin with the value of how she looks you are playing into the negative fantasy already on display. I'm sure I've done it too, but it doesn't make it right. Introduce her as a person with worth, not an object of beauty.