Safe Haven

A harbor or haven by definition is supposed to be a safe place for ships to gather. But in 1699, Richard Bentley in his work A Dissertation Upon the Epistles of Phalaris said" She must not make to the next safe Harbour; but...bear away for the remotest."

And so a phrase was coined. A phrase that today even has legal features meaning a protection from liability or penalty.

It might seem redundant to say safe haven (because it literally means a safe safe place!), but the phrase sticks and even has some truth today. Why? Because not all havens are safe!

Enough about history though...the real question is - where is your safe haven.

Life today is fraught with danger - danger in places where there shouldn't be.

• Home - supposedly a safe place but the amount of abuse and hardship found there is far too common
• Work - a place of significance and satisfaction but dangerous for many
• Church - a place of hope but one where hope is far too easily stolen

The list could go on...but I think we need to reclaim these places. Homes should be places of love and care and we should be people who fill our own homes with love and help others do the same. Work should be a place of satisfaction and accomplishment, so we should work to make this possible for everyone. Church should be a place of hope, so we should preach and live out that hope for others to experience.

So where to start...well...where you are! Commit to building places of love, satisfaction and hope. Then we will see safe havens in every area of our lives.

For Small Group Leaders

Since I lead a ministry of small group leaders at my church - we call them Faith Groups, I find that this concept is one we teach and train on often - making groups a safe place.

Your small group, if you are in one, should be a safe haven in life. It is the place where all three of the areas listed above intersect: home, work and church. It should be a safe haven for everyone who comes. I know they fail at this sometimes - people are broken. But still, we need to strive for making them safe. So, small group leaders - how can you make your small groups safe havens?

People are counting on us getting it right.  How do you do it?

Let me know in the comments!

Goodbye

Goodbyes suck...

From friends at airports, to first loves, and next loves, to satisfying jobs and valued partnerships, to the final goodbye of death.

Goodbyes suck...

Even when they're right, healthy and appropriate.

Goodbyes suck...

Smoke

Have you ever tried to get rid of smoke in your home? Like when you're making pizza and some cheese falls on the bottom of the oven and before you know it, acrid smoke is pouring into your home. Ever tried to get rid of it?

It's frustrating and pointless if you do it the wrong way. If you waft a cutting board, or put on a fan, even open a window...it sometimes has the wrong effect, and usually takes far longer to remove than you think. The funny thing is, if you become more intense in your efforts, if you waft stronger, or put the fan on higher, it doesn't make it quicker...sometimes, it just makes it harder and worse. And of course, tiring for you!

Recently, I was struck by the realization that some people are like smoke. No...I don't mean smelly, annoying and won't leave. Rather, I mean that there are people who, if you treat them the wrong way, you have the opposite effect on them than you intended. Instead of one reaction, they react differently than you hope, and if you get more intense about it, their reaction can be harder.

Working with "smoke-like" people in your life takes great skill...something I'm not particularly good at really. These are people who need love expressed in a different way. They want love in a gentle, soft and collaborative manner rather than direct and forceful manner. In fact, they might view forceful and direct as coercive and negatively manipulative.

With this realization about "smoke-like" people, I started thinking about those who are good with smoke. There are people who know how to blow smoke rings, or create beauty with smoke (just google "smoke art" for some amazing work). There are others who know how to weave smoke into their lives and activities (e.g. Native American, Chinese and Boy Scouts practices of smoke signals). These are people who are masters of gentleness and collaboration. They are masters at working with smoke. In life, there are those who are masters at working with "smoke-like" people.

Here's the point - we need "smoke-like" people in our lives. The gifts and beauty they bring create joy and beauty in our lives. Their gifts are rare and worth pursuing and enjoying. Their friendship is different than others and we are the better for it when we have it. But...the challenge with these sorts of people is that we can blow them away if we handle the friendship incorrectly. We can destroy them with the wrong approach.

And yet, when we get it right, there is great art in our relational lives - a beauty unmatched.

So how can we nurture relationships with "smoke-like"people?

I don't know!

But the masters of smoke do the following:

• they are gentle with smoke allowing it to flow around them
• they don't try to control or capture it
• they understand how to look for smoke and read its signs
• they value the time they have with smoke and learn all they can
• they enjoy the beauty it creates

Here's my best guess then at transferring this to nurturing a relationship with a "smoke-like" person:

• Don't force them to do things.
• Work gently with them in a collaboration allowing them to flow around what you do.
• Learn to read their signs of engagement and withdrawal and allow them to have those.
• Value them in your life.
• Enjoy the beauty of your relationship.

If you run a group of any kind (work, small group, book club, etc) then welcome "smoke-like" people into your group. Beware of forcing them into behaviors or conditions (like a covenant). Be gentle in engaging with them, and allow them space to withdraw if they want to do so. Value them and their contribution and enjoy the beauty of their perspective and contribution.

Torpedo

I recently was at a retreat in Rhode Island. The place we stayed was on an small outcrop called Goat Island. It used to be a naval torpedo production and testing site. The hotel where I stayed was filled with pictures of torpedoes being tested, built, retrieved and evaluated. It got me thinking about the metaphor of torpedoes and ships.

In life we are sometimes torpedoes and ships.

Like ships, we go through life moving towards a destination. Sometimes, it is slow and stately (like the big cruise ships), sometimes fast and thrilling (like speedboats), and other times just weighed down as we move through our routines (like cargo ships).

Like torpedoes, sometimes we are on a mission, focused and undeterred as we hurtle towards our target. That focus maybe towards a destructive end (for us or others), or it may in an attempt to avoid greater destruction (like stopping a ship intent on causing greater harm).

There are positives and negatives in both metaphors.

Torpedo like behavior can be positive:

• Stopping a bad idea in its tracks
• Being focused and on mission
• Dealing with a bad habit or addiction

Torpedo like behavior can be negative:

• Damaging good relationships 
• Being so focused on a mission that you forget about the important things in life (loved ones especially)
• Moving so fast in a straight line that you cannot adapt to the changing situation

Ship like behavior can be positive:

• Moving towards a chosen destination with purpose and planning
• Providing means for others to get there with you
• Sheer enjoyment and fun in life

Ship like behavior can be negative:

• Vulnerable to outside attack
• Swayed by currents and winds too easily
• Without power, you can drift off course

So what are you in life - a ship or a torpedo? More importantly, is that the right thing to be for this season of life?

And of course...its the worst thing to be a torpedo when you need to be a ship and be a ship when you need to be a torpedo!

Golden Globes Apathy

Yes I watched the Globes! No, I don't care about the clothing. It's just fun to see the awards. But I was struck by something last night...more than one celebrity (either introducing an award or receiving it) commented on how unimportant the award is in the greater scheme of things.

Ricky Gervais ridiculed them.
Jim Carrey scorned them.
Morgan Freeman asked for applause to stop as it gives the wrong impression.
Ryan Gosling mentioned a Montessori experience of everyone winning a participation trophy.
These stood out among others.

Yet, there they were, waiting on the announcements, thanking their people when they won. Some with shock (Kate Winslet truly was surprised), others with expectant humility (Leonardo Dicaprio was excellent in his speech), and others with genuine joy and welcome (Sylvester Stallone was well received with a standing ovation as a winner).

If these awards are so unimportant, why all the emotion? I think partly, because people love to win. People like the competition. People like to be inspired to more. As Ridley Scott said about his movie (it did well, but then along came Star Wars, and it raised the bar of what we might achieve).

Awards seem to get ridiculed on both fronts (people don't like the participation trophies - even a commercial makes fun of them), but people don't like the negative competition they create either. So in one respect...the Globes echoed real life last night - apart from the obvious ways it doesn't!

As for me...I like awards...real awards for achieving something significant.When people perform, or better yet, outperform, awards bring that recognition. It is far more meaningful when that award is given by your peers. And the sweetest recognition is when it comes as a surprise to even you!

So who is outperforming in your life...give them an award...it doesn't have to be a golden statue to be significant!

Burri

I never expected the lesson from a teacher like this.

It is far too easy to forget that we have such great museums in New York. One of them is the Guggenheim museum. On this day it was displaying the work of Alberto Burri, titled The Trauma of Painting. On this day, he became my teacher, and one painting became the lesson.

I wasn't expecting much from the display after the first few exhibits. But then I entered the Sacchi section, and was completely blindsided by one exhibit. I ended up staring at this one painting for the majority of my time at the museum. Even, after leaving the painting, I kept returning to look at it more, diving ever deeper into the movements on the canvas.

The museum described Sacchi below:

 

The particular painting that enraptured me was titled Sacco E Oro (Sack and Gold). Here is the museum description of this piece:

From the Sacchi description above the following sentence struck me as I saw this piece: "Lacerated and threadbare, the material evinces anger and shame, but also vulnerability and dignity."

As I stared at the image I was struck by the voices of anger and shame screaming loudly, and then by the subtle whispers of vulnerability and dignity.

The black spaces, not captured well in the photo below, are not devoid of texture and movement. Instead, they are rough, shiny, dull, smooth, flowing and still all in different ways.

The sack sections are rough, overstitched, pulled tight giving an almost Frankenstein-like appearance of skin. The patch like quality led me to think of skin torn and broken, trying desperately to cover the darkness below, not dissimilar to the rags someone impoverished might wear to keep warm. They spoke of years of pain and wounds stitched up and woven together, but with rough scars remaining.

The red spoke powerfully of a fresh wound, bleeding through, a place of acute pain and anger. Tiny in comparison to the whole painting, but placed in perfect counterpoint to the gold.

The gold spoke of a glorious past, one filled with dignity and prosperity. It spoke of a past longed for again, but probably never to be experienced.

Together, the painting spoke of a rich heritage, a hard life filled with damage and heartache, but still with hope. It spoke of an old man or woman, standing with dignity and claiming great power long since lost, in a body carrying the scars of a tough life. It depicts the many pictures we see of victims of trauma, holding themselves together with what they can, even as they bleed out for all to see.

I am well aware that art reflects the artist and the observer equally. And so I am aware that I saw myself within this painting, even as I saw the post war Europe of Burri's painting.

Those words from the original description of Sacchi stuck with me in this picture - evincing anger and shame, but also vulnerability and dignity. I cannot think of a better description of what life actually is like, and what becoming like Jesus in this world looks like too.

There is anger and shame as we encounter those parts of ourselves and others that are hideous or hurtful. There is vulnerability as we expose ourselves and receive the baring of others into our lives. I don't believe we can actually be truly vulnerable without at least the opportunity for anger, shame and hurt to be felt. In fact, I think those things WILL happen when we are vulnerable.

What I love most about this panting of Burri's is that it isn't beautiful in the classic sense of the word. It is rough, dirty, and hard.That is what life truly is like...rough, dirty and hard. That is what being a Christian really is...rough, dirty and hard. That is what Jesus was...rough, dirty and hard. But it doesn't stay there...because there's that gold piece, speaking of a long lost past, but pointing forward to a hoped for future. It is in the essence of vulnerability that our hope is found.

It is in the working out of that vulnerability...in the receiving and sharing of those wounds of our lives that we find dignity. I don't think Jesus was ever more dignified than when we was stripped bare, and with blood and sweat and tears be bore the anger and shame of my own brokenness. His vulnerability brought me dignity. His vulnerability brought you dignity. He invites us to share our vulnerability with each other so that together dignity might be experienced for everyone.

That's what I see...tell me...what do you see?

The Wall

A teacher met with a student to discuss her struggle with vulnerability. She described her struggle as being surrounded with a wall that she cannot break. The teacher, with divinely inspired wisdom, offered to walk the wall with her to find a gate.

It is the greatest secret in the world...we all have walls, built to protect us that in the end harm us. We build them to keep us safe but instead they insulate us from the very things we need to grow. We cannot find each other because our walls hide us...the real us!

And like that student we all need to find a gate.

But I wonder...who in your life offers to walk the wall with you. We all need wall-walkers. We all need people in our lives who will walk on the other side, talking and listening to us, while we search for gates to get out.

Gates! If only they were these large monsters of iron and steel. But, they hide, masquerading as brick and mortar. Hidden in shadows, they shift and flow, disappearing from one place only to appear somewhere else. So the search is not easy, and it takes wisdom, observation, and courage - which is why you cannot walk the wall alone.

So who is your wall-walker? And whose will you be?